pervertself loathingLet's see...I'm still married (at least marginally), still hate myself (a lot), still wish I was hot (I'm ugly as hell)...umm...what else to say? If anybody reads this, let me know and I'll post more.
I don't usually talk a lot about politics and news, mostly because I do my damndest to ignore it all. But sometimes, like right now, it manages to weasel its way past all my defenses and assault my brain with its meaningless, annoying blather. I'm referring to none other than the whole right to live/die/vegetate argument going on right now. I had a whole long spiel that I was going to write up for here, but I just read an article on SomethingAwful.com that said it all better than I possibly can, so I'm going to reprint it here without their permission so they can kick my ass
Remember this wasn't written by me, I would've described a zombie's life different."Through the Feeding Tube" by Josh "Livestock" Boruff
As seen on SomethingAwful.com
In recent years the quality of the American news media has declined to the point where I
really only trust the news I get from the screaming hobos that call the
back alleys of downtown home. Something about their erudite voices,
horse from yelling about the dangers of invisible satellites and
government conspiracies, carries an air of absolute certainty that I
find to be lacking from modern reporting. These people, in their
hearts, simply know the truth. When I turn on the TV I see
idiots rambling on about things that no self-respecting person should
ever care about, like the Michael Jackson case. I realize that we are a
stupid, feeble race soon to be devoured by giant space worms, but it
still burns my britches that more of us don't just exercise basic human
decency and change the channel, triggering Nielson earthquakes that
shock the foundations of television news in the process.
Even after dropping cable and spray-painting my TV screen black, I still hear far too much unpleasant and pointless news. Maybe it's the millions of fleshy proxies that repeat the boring news stories of the day or maybe the media has found a way to illegally broadcast news inside my head. I'm truly terrified that I'm still being poorly informed about things I do not care about while actively avoiding the news. For the last couple weeks, the news anchor voices inside my head have been telling me about Terri Schiavo's valiant struggle against either living or not living,
depending on who you ask. It seems this adorable human rock has created
an epic tug of war between those who value prolonging a meaningless
existence and those who favor murdering a sleeping beauty. Or vice
versa, I don't remember.
I have to ask, why is this news? I could understand this being local news, but national news? And for this long? Some are saying this brings up an important topic long missing from the national spotlight. The problem is, what good is coming from it being in the national spotlight? All it's going to do is piss off a bunch of people when a decision is made, then
trigger more arguments that will ultimately dissolve into pure screaming rage from only the most fanatical of idiots on both sides of the debate. Hooray for that! I can't for the life of me figure out how in a world where millions of things happen on a daily basis, we always hear about the same 3 or 4 stories to the point where they go from being news to just being sappy drama played out for ratings. Terri Schiavo's getting so much attention you'd almost think she murdered Scott Peterson's wife and molested those kids at Michael Jackson's ranch.
I look at this from a more enlightened perspective. Terri Schiavo, for all intents and purposes, is a brain-eating zombie cursed with a lack if mobility. Now, a zombie's purpose in life is to consume non-zombie human brains while simultaneously spreading the zombie plague to non-zombie humans.
Granted, I'm no Robert Frost, so my description of a zombie's life lacks a lot of eloquence and beauty, but trust me when I say it's something special. It's very much the path less traveled by. When you can't move, you can't very well take a bite out of somebody's head. So wanting to keep her "alive" in her current state is therefore rather heartless. What they should be doing, if they want her to reach her full potential, is work at getting her some kind of Stephen
Hawking-like wheelchair rig with a special voice synthesizer to squeal "brrrraaiiinnns" when she drools on her little keyboard. But that's
making a real circus out of what should be a private matter between the courts and family members, right?
I'm sure Terri Schiavo is a wonderful lady, but she's dead as far as living a real life is concerned. She isn't going to jump out of bed in some monumental Hulk Hogan-like second wind and body slam her husband. The
time for that has long since expired. The sooner she passes away, the sooner everyone can move on and the sooner her immortal soul can crawl across the rainbow bridge and into the endless human abattoirs of zombie heaven. If we have magical feed tubes that can prolong a vacant life, let's hook up some extension tubes and plug them straight into a starving country like Ethiopia. Instead of wasting all this time focusing on one minor ping in the giant sonar of death and suffering, let's not lose sight of the bigger picture, which even uglier,
bloodier, and features millions of dying people. Maybe, just maybe, there is a magical way some of those people could be helped instead of focusing solely on one brain-damaged vegetable kept alive through the medical science of denial.
Frankly, I'm more mystified at this feeding tube business than the fact that it's keeping
someone alive. How long have we had the technology to pump food into people with tubes, and why has this technology been monopolized by the healthcare industry? I have to work hard to eat. I have to scour the kitchen like an animal for things that are edible, and many a time my searches turn up nothing. I would love for a doctor to jam a tube into my stomach and pump food through it. Not only would that save me the time of acquiring food, it would also save me the time of chewing food. I would love for food to be pumped into my disgusting body so that I can fulfill my fantasy of living entirely in bed and never having to work a day in my life again. Then, years later, when I die prematurely due to inactivity, I could fondly reflect on all the time I saved by not having to find food or chew it.
The
reason I'm taking such a bitter stance against Terri Schiavo is not because I hate her or what she stands for (laziness), but because this hits very close to home. For the last month, Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz, Something Awful's third most beloved personality, has been living the life of a vegetable with no signs of ever returning to normalcy. You see, Reid was seriously injured using his Deion Sanders' Hot Dog Express. We here at Something Awful have been fighting a turbulent battle to
have him taken off life support, mostly because we're almost out of pre-written Frolixo updates and partly because I want that Deion Sanders' Hot Dog Express back. The situation is complicated by Reid's refusal to admit that he is even injured and his continued insistence that he is simply "resting his eyes." Reid, a prolific trickster famous for acts of extreme guile, is not to be trusted and should be put down immediately. This is my expert opinion.
I asked a doctor what it's like for people in Terri's state, and he told me this: "A
normal person's brain activity is like an episode of 'Law & Order: SVU' where Detective Stabler takes the case too personal and puts everything on the line, including his badge. For someone in a vegetable state, Detective Stabler plays it by the book and lets his fellow detectives handle the load." As you can see from that medical explanation, people in vegetative states are simply not living at all.
In case I end up getting married to one of you readers, I want you to know that should I end up in a coma, I do not want to be kept alive. I want my body to be donated to science, preferably the kind of science that claws at the
moral fabric of Heaven itself. Really, though, I just wouldn't want to exist as a brain-dead pile of meat living off the charity of a tube. What would even be the point of living that way? It's an awful situation for anyone to be in, but it's an awful situation that's not going to get better over time. There's no quality of life if you don't even know that you are alive, and there's no comprehension of that if your brain is like a sad potato. Let her and the dreadful media
coverage of her non-life die already.
The preceeding was not written by the author of this blog. It does, however, represent his views. If you don't like it, go fark yourself.
I was running through my playlist of "angry music" the other day and I came across this. I hadn't listened to it in a long time and even when I did, I didn't realize the meaning behind the lyrics. It suddenly struck me as oddly relevant to our world right now, so I thought I'd share them.
"Dogma" by KMFDM
All we want is a headrush.
All we want is to get out of our skin for a while.
We have nothing to lose because we don't have anything -
Anything we want anyway...
We used to hate people.
Now we just make fun of them.
It's more effective that way.
We don't live, we just scratch on day to day
With nothing but matchbooks and sarcasm in our pockets,
And all we are waiting for
Is for something worth waiting for.
Let's admit, America gets the celebrities we deserve.
Let's stop saying "Don't quote me", because if no one quotes you,
You probably haven't said a thing worth saying.
Sex, drugs, god, cash, sex, drugs, god...America!
We need something to kill the pain of all that nothing inside!
Sex, drugs, god, cash, sex, drugs, god...America!
We all just want to die a little bit...
We fear that pop-culture is the only kind of culture we're ever going to have.
We want to stop reading magazines, stop watching TV, stop caring about Hollywood...
But we're addicted to the things we hate.
We don't run washington and no one really does.
Ask not what you can do for your country,
Ask what your country did to you!
Sex, drugs, god, cash, sex, drugs, god...America!
The only reason you're still alive is because someone has decided to let you live...
Sex, drugs, god, cash, sex, drugs, god...America!
We owe so much money we're not broke we're broken, we're so poor we can't even pay attention!
So what do you want?
You want to be famous and rich and happy but you're terrified you have nothing to offer this world?
Nothing to say and no way to say it -
But you can say it in three languages.
You are more than the sum of what you consume,
Desire is not an occupation.
You are alternately thrilled and desperate, sky high and fucked!
Let's stop praying for someone to save us and start saving ourselves.
Let's stop this and start over.
Let's go out.
Let's keep going.
Sex, drugs, god, cash, sex, drugs, god...America!
This is your life - This is your fucking life!
Sex, drugs, god, cash, sex, drugs, god...America!
We need something to kill the pain of all that nothing inside.
Quit whining that you haven't done anything wrong,
Because frankly you haven't done much of anything!
Sex, drugs, god, cash, sex, drugs, god...America!
Someone's writing down your mistakes...
Someone's documenting your downfall...
Also had a talk with my wife the other night. Not sure what's going to happen because of it yet, guess I'll have to wait & see.
Fri night my arms were so tired from hauling monitors, shoveling, mudding, etc. that I could literally barely lift them. Mostly due to my goddamn neighbor I share a driveway with. I had been hired to do a one day contract at a local business at the last second. It was around noon so I'm trying to get ready since the job started at 1:00. Just as I'm about to head out the door, she knocks and I answer...and she proceeds to yell at me for not having the driveway shoveled...
WTF!?!?
It only started snowing that morning, it's still snowing like CRAZY, it's supposed to keep snowing until the next morning, and I'm leaving! Turns out she found out she has to have another foot surgery and came home from work early, couldn't get in the driveway in her giant shittiest-thing-in-snow-in-the-world oldsmobile, and decided she'd take out her frustration on me. I'm sorry, I don't feel sorry for her in the least. I've had my share of surgeries, major ones even, and I'm willing to bet a damn large amount that my recoveries were a lot more of a pain in the ass than a freakin foot surgery. Goddamn idiots... I ended up shoveling to help her get in then, then shoveled when I got home that night at 11:30, then shoveled again Sat morning...hence the totally dead arms. I could barely even type.
Then there's today. Got a nastygram from my college loan company, found out I owe money to other people, one of the dogs totally destroyed the back of one of the couches after we took him to the vet, the other dog bit my arm really hard (although I do admit I kinda asked for it, but it still hurt like hell), then to top it all off I was playing on my playstation to try to relax a bit and I got pissed off and broke my last playstation controller...
Ya just can't win I tell ya...might as well give up when you've got the chance to surrender gracefully.
Specifically, I was hired as the assistant construction manager for the local chapter of Habitat for Humanity. I've worked with them quite a lot when I've been between work and apparently they liked what I did because last week the construction manager called me up & offered me the position to be his assistant while he takes over some other duties pursuant to finding a new executive director. I know it's complicated, but I'm not particularly concerned about complicatedness.
I told them up front that I'm not really qualified, but they didn't seem to care. So now I'm supposed to be helping lead work crews at build sites or buying supplies/running errands. This frees up the real construction manager to do more managing duties and less monkey work. And I don't mind it, I'm already learning an incredible amount about construction and home maintenance which I can directly apply to my old house, thereby saving me a ton in professional help when I get around to fixing things
I just hope I learn fast enough so the crews don't realize I have no idea what I'm doing...Anyway that's all there is to that. I hope this all goes well, everybody keep your fingers crossed for me!
Since I am in between things for a few, I figured I'd also follow suit...
First best friend: Honestly? My friend Conan, and I only met him like 2 years ago...tells you what a sad life I lead...
First car: 1984 Subaru GL Wagon - the bestest car ever...may it rest in pieces...*sniff*
First kiss: Too embarassing, I got a really slow start
First screen name: Hyperion
First self purchased album: Not 100% sure, probably Weird Al's self titled album
First funeral: Great aunt, very long ago
First pets: Dog named Smokey, cats named Puff & Bump (I didn't have much imagination at the time...)
First piercing/tattoo: None/None
First musician you remember hearing in your house: Probable Englebert Humperdink or The Beatles
Last car ride: Yesterday, goin shoppin with a friend of mine
Last kiss: This morning (It doesn't ask what?) <--LOL I'll keep that one too
Last good cry: Last week
Last library book checked out: Hmmmm…haven’t been to the library in years! <-- Me neither
Last movie seen: Monty Python's "The Meaning Of Life"
Last beverage drank: Coke (as always)
Last food consumed: Turkey/mayo/cheese sandwich on dark rye, chips, coke, some other crap
Last phone call: About 5 minutes ago
Last time showered: This morning
Last shoes worn: Columbia light winter boots
Last cd played: Quincy Jones - Big Band Bossa Nova
Last item bought: Lunch yesterday
Last annoyance: The whole morning before my wife left for work...
Last disappointment: When sara cried 
Last time wanting to die: Don't ask...
Last time scolded: Also this morning
Last shirt worn: Greyish purple sweatshirt
Last website visited: FARK woohoooooo!
Last song you sang: Careless Whisper - George Michael/Wham
Last color socks are you wearing? White
What color of underwear are you wearing? Grey
What time did you wake up today? 8:30 AM
FUTURE
Where do you want to go? Anywhere and everywhere - love traveling and love seeing new things!
What is your career going to be? Same as I do, computer/network tech
Where are you going to live? Somewhere a damn sight more exciting than here, any suggestions?
How many kids do you want? No comment...
What kind of car(s): Honda Element, to haul around my drum set, dogs, friends, etc.
CURRENT
Current mood: Bleah
Current music: Secret Agent/Lounge internet radio
Current taste: Coke
Current hair: Blonde, shortish, slightly wavy (gets a lot wavier when it's long)
Current clothes: Greyish/purple sweatshirt, jeans
(x) - you've done
(_) - you haven't done
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
(x) crashed a friend's car
(_) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) been fired
(x) been in a fist fight
(_) snuck out of my parent's house
(x) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
(_) ever dated someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(_) been arrested
(x) made out with a stranger
(x) stole something from my job
(_) celebrated new years in times square
(_) gone on a blind date
(x) had a crush on a teacher
(_) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(_) been to Europe
(x) skipped school.
(x) cut myself on purpose
(x) been married
(_) gotten divorced
(_) had children
(_) seen someone die.
(_) been to Africa.
(_) Punched a friend.
(x) Driven over 400 miles to attend a show/festival
(x) Been to Canada. Eh?
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(_) Thrown up in a bar
(x) Purposely set a part of myself on fire <-- It's fun, try it sometime!
(x) Eaten Sushi
(x) Been snowboarding
(x) Met someone in person from the internet
(x) Been moshing at a concert
(x) had real feelings for someone you knew only online
(x) been in an abusive relationship
(_) been pregnant or got someone pregnant (umm...been pregnant that is!)
(_) lost a child
(x) gone to college
(_) graduated college, community
(x) tried killing yourself
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
UNIQUE --
1. Nervous Habits? Bite my nails horribly, always bouncing, cracking every single joint in my body
2. Are you double jointed? nope
3. Can you roll your tongue? yup
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time? Yup, I can even switch them!
5. Can you blow spit bubbles? Hell yeah!
6. Can you cross your eyes? Yup
7. Do you make your bed daily? Not since the last time my mom forced me to!
-- CLOTHES --
10. Which shoe goes on first? Right
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone? Yup
12. On the average, how much money do you carry in your wallet? Money? What's that?
13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7? Silver chain
14. Favorite piece of clothing? My chamois cloth red button down shirt, it's sooooooooooo comfy!
-- FOOD --
15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Was taught to cut, but I prefer to twirl
16. Have you ever eaten Spam? Living 40 minutes from the spam capital of the world, that'd be a big YES
17. Favorite ice cream flavor? Strawberry
18. How many cereals in your cabinet? Way, way too many...
19. What's your favorite beverage? Coke woooooo!
20. What's your favorite restaurant? China Star - $6 gets you enough to feed 3 people and it's insanely good!
21. Do you cook? Hell yeah, a damn sight better than most women do too!
-- GROOMING --
22. How often do you brush your teeth? Once a day, evening
23. Hair drying method? Headbang
24. Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair? Nope, why bother?
-- MANNERS --
25. Do you swear? Only when I'm really pissed off...in other words, all the time.
26. Do you ever spit? What the hell kind of question is that?
-- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE --
27. Animal? Kitty!
28. Food? My own!
29. Month? May - my bday, it's getting warm enough to work in my garden and not get all sweaty, can ride my bike again!
30. Day? Friday
31. Favorite Cartoon Character? Does StrongBad count? If not then Vash The Stampede!
32. Shoe Brand? TX Traction or Columbia
33. Subject in school? English or Chemistry
34. Color? Purple or deep blue
35. Sport? Ultimate frisbee!!
36. TV show? Iron Chef, DoorKnock Dinners, Most of Cartoon Network
-- IN AND AROUND --
41. The CD player? Idle at the moment, WinAmp is playing Fishbone though
42. Person you talk most on the phone with? My friend Conan
43. Ever taken a cab? Quite a bit actually
44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows and mirrors? Of course not, I'm pretty and I know it! ...Ok who am I kidding, I'm ugly as sin and dont' want to have to pay for broken mirrors...
45. What color is your bedroom? Frosted green
46. Do you use an alarm clock? Yup, wakes the dead
47. Window seat or aisle? Window always, love to watch stuff!
-- LA LA LAND --
48. What's your sleeping position? On side, half curled up
49. Even in hot weather do you use a blanket? Depends on the day
50. Do you snore? Not unless I am really tired. <-- About the same here
51. Do you sleepwalk? Nope
52. Do you talk in your sleep? As far as I know no, but maybe they just don't tell me...
53. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No, REAL animals!
54. How about with the light on? Noooo love dark! Grew up out in the country...
55. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on? Bleah neither, but my wife HAS to have the tv on or she can't sleep...one of the many reasons we now sleep separately...
...how many of you out there think I'm a total nutcase? I was just realizing that all I ever put up here are introspective, depressing rambles. So I thought I'd put something positive up...but even though I'm in a decent mood right now, I just can't think of anything.
In light of that I decided to take a poll of my three or so regular readers to see if you think I'm a candidate for the looney bin. I'm not looking for "of course you're a good person!", I want real opinions. If you think I'm an idiot, then tell me so. If you think I'm possessed by the ghost of Edgar Allen Poe...well tell me that too. However if you think I'm the greatest thing since blow-up dolls were invented...don't tell me that, give me your number instead
P.S. Bonus points if you can guess how many years it's been since I've actually been in a looney bin!
